Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.

Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..

One. Kernel. At. A. Time.

“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”

divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭

Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?

{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}

Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.

Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background

Don’t ask me how I know

Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U

Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.

Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.

Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?

Me: 37

GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.

I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.

If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?

CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!

ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.

EXCALIBUR: Ok

happy valentine’s day to me

Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***

Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams

I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us

“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up

As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.

*plane missed the runway

Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.

Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.

Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?

School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*

Me: FINALLY! A break from that —

Brain: I’ll take it from here.

Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?

I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.

I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.