Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
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*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Your honor, I wasn’t trying to Tokyo drift, I WAS Tokyo drifting. Make sure that’s in the official record.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.