Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
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Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
It’s an epidemic…
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test