Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
You Might Also Like
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
“You can’t just erase people out of your life”
Me:
Bootstraps
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa