Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
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I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”