Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
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tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day