Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
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A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Breaking news:
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Dead sexy!!
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.