Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
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I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u