Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
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People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
I was an ugly baby.
It’s been downhill since then.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Order here:
More here:
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?