Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.

This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.

When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised

Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.

college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”

Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.

11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…

Me: Grounded.

I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.

The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.

Empathy: I feel you

Sympathy: I feel for you

Lycanthropy: I feel awoo

‘Your place or mine?’

Is the sexiest response to the question:

‘Where shall we bury the body?’

Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?

Requirements:

– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)

[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those

[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?

Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.

Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.

How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.

this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?

I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.

Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on

Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops

The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.

these two trucks have the same bed length

So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.

Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.

The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.

Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.

*Sees couple arguing in store*

*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*