Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
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When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Lol.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
This 4th of July, please remember…
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.