Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
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A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Oh boy, $150,000!
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.