Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
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i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
why no one uses midhusbands
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Easy enough.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
There is wisdom there.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?