[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
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I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*