maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
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Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
We need it on priority
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
SPLOOT
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.