maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
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Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
I can fix him.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.