maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
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COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
the greatest twitter interaction
divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any