Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
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Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Finally, a door that understands me
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*