Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.

Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.

“How’s your day going?”

I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.

me: I have a problem.

her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.

me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.

Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.

I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”

My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.

With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.

interviewer: why’d you leave your last job

me: i heard a loud noise

interviewer: wow what was it

me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired

12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?

Me: Because I love you.

Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?

“I swear to God I will turn this car around”

[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]

*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time

4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare

me: me too. what was yours?

4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?

me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep

4: you know nightmares aren’t real?

me: yeah, I do

Nothing is scarier than teaching your teen to drive. Except teaching them to drive on the highway. And teaching them to drive at night. Or on the highway at night. Also on the highway at night during the week of Christmas.

How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:

Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”

4yo: “…no you’re not…”

Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.

Me: what should I say instead of bull-

Wife: shhh say snake instead.

Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.

I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.

Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.

Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.

“We could do that, or…”

Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.

It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle

When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?

I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”

Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order

Me: Do you like children?

Him: Yes, I love them.

Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.

I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.