Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
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Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
47 years ago today, Soap debuted.
We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.
This scene. 😂😂😂
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life