Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.

the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight

God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL

[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]

Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM

My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession

I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.

I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.

*Joseph rolls eyes

I may be small, but so is a grenade.

STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST

1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy

her: aww you’re a cat dad!!

me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings

her: oh-

me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds

her: i… um…

me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies

her: yay!!!

daughter: can i keep the night light on?

me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie

I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

is frankincense just very honest incense?

Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*

Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that

I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.

I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around

if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks

Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.

Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.

M:

H: Please leave Home Depot.

CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm

Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.

How can you call yourself a pervert?

I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.

I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.

Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.

Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?

Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?

My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003

men, we mow at sunrise.

Some things are better left unsaid

Tequila – No they’re not

one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction

To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row