@RandomAntics

Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.

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@DrakeGatsby

Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne

Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand

Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away

@PatsATweetin

captain america: ok we need to be quiet when sneaking in

hawkeye: *dragging 2 large duffel bags loudly across floor*

captain: wtf is that

hawkeye: *panting* my arrows

@Poutymcgee

Murderer:You can’t hide from me!

Me:*hiding*

Murderer:BOOM BOOM BOOM LET ME HEAR YA SAY WEY-OH!

Me:*sweating

Me:

Me:WEY-OH! God Dammit.

@Ygrene

[being murdered]

Mailman: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT

@girl_a_whirl

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

@Marlebean

Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”

And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”

@UncleDuke1969

Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.

@internetluke

[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth

@OVLH

“He’s more scared of you than you are of him” – Girl coaching her friend into talking to me