Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
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When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.