Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
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captain america: ok we need to be quiet when sneaking in
hawkeye: *dragging 2 large duffel bags loudly across floor*
captain: wtf is that
hawkeye: *panting* my arrows
Murderer:You can’t hide from me!
Murderer:BOOM BOOM BOOM LET ME HEAR YA SAY WEY-OH!
Me:WEY-OH! God Dammit.
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Canada’s weather be like
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
Cool me too. I love planet earth
“He’s more scared of you than you are of him” – Girl coaching her friend into talking to me