Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
You Might Also Like
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello