Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
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[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Would you wear it?
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .