Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
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My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins