Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
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This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.