Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hello Darkness my old friend.

Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.

(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”

If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that

The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.

My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.

[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it

Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.

Basically, any European coat of arms:

I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”

The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute

You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.

The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up

Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]

Date: Wow your knee is huge

me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder

her: lol like what

me: well, most of its grandmas

her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see

Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes

Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..

I said , “The red runny type”.

whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.

My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation

Them: I’ll be right back

Me: That’s not necessary

The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.

We’ve now reached the match the lid to the storage container portion of this year’s Thanksgiving feast

doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.

Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.

My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it

Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?

Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle

Darth: You should not have come back, old man.

Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.

“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before

Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.

Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?

A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story