Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”

HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!

I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.

FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.

Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?

ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me

My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.

3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”

So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?

Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)

“Are you ready to rock?”

Scissors: no

The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.

These apps are getting out of control.

There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.

Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.

Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.

For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.

*steps on a spider*

We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment

No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”

Waiter: here’s your milksha-

James Bond: grrrrrrr

Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred

Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle

Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.

Them: well which is it?

Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.

Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.

*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*

Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.

[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him

Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.

Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan

Fun Fact:

Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.

Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.

*takes my split ends to couples counseling*

[party city]

employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?

me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome

When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.

When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!