Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
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baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
They’re not wrong
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.