Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Movie Theater: *lights go down*

Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*

Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.

I put my pants on like everyone else.

with hope they still fit.

“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”

Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.

plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving

I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.

9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?

me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.

9: MOM!

REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch

WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare

ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT

What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.

I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.

He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.

most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines

never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing

@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.

legolas: you have my bow

gimli: and my axe

[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]

me: you may have a SMALL bite

I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.

Me: *opens my front door*

Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*

serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?

Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.

*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*

Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”

Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.

Fellow senior citizens:

If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.

You don’t need to push your lifealert button.

[text]

H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?

M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.

Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.

– Cannibal Presidential Debates

#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.

I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.

Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker