Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
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*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
😂😂😂
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.