Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
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Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Thankfully the Five Guys employee offered me a fixed low interest rate loan so I could buy the cheeseburger with two patties
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay