Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
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*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Is this the real life?
Is this just
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.