Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
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-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ