Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks

gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD

So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.

me: I stand corrected

chiropractor: you’re welcome

#StillHurts

Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun

The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.

Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?

[at my funeral]

boss : you’re LATE

For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.

Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.

Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

me: [has anything]

my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that

What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?

One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.

NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!

DR DOG: You’re joking, right?

Cw: Ignorance is bliss

Me: Explains why you’re so happy

HR: It’s good to see you again

How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”

Cop: Open the trunk please

Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for that

Cop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?

“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.

[in Batmobile]

Superman: Hey

Batman: Sup?

S: Promise you won’t be mad?

B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas

well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.

His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”

Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.

I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.

Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?

Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT

1996: My loneliness is killin’ me

2020: That’s cute.