Maybe during this year’s colonoscopy they’ll find your brain
You Might Also Like
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
and this one
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
this has done me in for some reason
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Life is short. Stop to smell the roses. Take a walk in the rain. Be nice to a stranger. Hold up a convenience store.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.