Maybe during this year’s colonoscopy they’ll find your brain
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Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
astonishing how whenever you go to the post office the queue in front of you is made up almost entirely of people who appear to have ended up at the post office by accident, have in fact never visited a post office before, and have no idea what they want out of the experience
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓