Maybe Einstein also had a secret Twitter account where he argued with Marie Curie about why uranium is overrated and she needs to have more chidren
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[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Just this preview of the story is enough
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.