Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?

SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.

Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.

My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.

I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.

[In the middle of nowhere]

4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”

… yes

“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”

Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.

Me: Nachos.

Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.

Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?

if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face

Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.

*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.

I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.

I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms

If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.

“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

*walks in at 3am*

Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.

[front door 5hrs later]

Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?

Ugh, stalkers are horrible.

You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.

this is one of the best threads in twitter history

I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.

Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂

Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat

When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos

THERAPIST: You’re cured.

ME: Really?!?

THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?

Someone: how are you?

Me: thanks, you too.

i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there

Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude

My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”

Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”

Success😎

When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.

(at least for me)

(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)

Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.

My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.