Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.

As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that

[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money

So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.

You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.

My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.

So annoying when she does this every week.

him: anything to declare

me: i don’t really like soup

everyone else in customs: [GASP]

Maybe she’s losing it.

Maybe it’s quarantine.

Me: what is my final challenge

*dragon appears*

Me: oh no

Dragon: spell necessary

Me: OH NO

You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.

Everyone: Please

oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying

*Discussing the school nativity play*

Me: Who’s Mary?

7: She’s Jesus’s mum.

Me: Yes, who’s playing her.

7: Dunno.

Me: Who’s Joseph?

7: He’s Mary’s husband.

Me:

According to my bank account, I’m Rich!

Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.

Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.

My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.

BILLION DOLLAR IDEA

A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up

Me: well that didn’t age well

My Mirror:

“I think I have Ebola.”

“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”

Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!

i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,

haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.

CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah

Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard

-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night

Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind

My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.

The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble

me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so

LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed