Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How and why my FUR ROOM exists

Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?

Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*

I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time

Important reminders

JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?

ME: I did. It was good.

JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.

ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.

My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.

wife: i’m going into labor

husband: when

wife: now

husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these

I visited my doctor today.

He told me my sugar was too high.

So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf

5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.

Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.

5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.

Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee

RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts

I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share

In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money

You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.

She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.

I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters

Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.

Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur

Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?

I learned 2 things today:

My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck

That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck

Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!

It’s like she didn’t want a tip.

Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”

Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.

Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!

Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app

Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it

ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?

I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.

Chemical wingman

Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.