Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
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Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
me: *drops banger tweet
them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers
me: *drops another tweet
them: oh, I see
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Whisper out to librarians!
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?