Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
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Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Places I won’t be going in 2025:
Above and beyond
Out of my way
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
dutch is not a serious language
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more