Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
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The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Vampire: How did you find me?!
Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back
Vampire: So it was a stakeout
Me: lmao
Vampire: lmaoooo
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
My dating profile:
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”