Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
You Might Also Like
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
due to financial reasons I will now be performing photosynthesis
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.
Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs