Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
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Answers phone, makes modem noises…
This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down
I’m not a 10, I’m more like two 5s stuck together with melted cheese
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Haha! 😂
A mustache is just mouth bangs.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
☠️☠️☠️
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.