Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
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OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
how DARE
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
I wonder if any student will ever top this email.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats