Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
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depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.