Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
You Might Also Like
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
I only look at Wordle for the articles
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?