Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
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A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?