Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
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I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
just gave your address to some spiders
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
How does one answer this?
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.