Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading

The Purge: Valentine’s Day

“Where have you been all my life?”

In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.

6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.

I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city

Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet

A face that lunched a thousand chips.

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”

PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET

If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley

Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”

didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off

If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.

I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.

An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.

*road trip*

husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car

husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*

My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!

The one thing I miss about school is never doing my homework.

its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad

Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.

I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.

I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.

Top three meanings of “I was just joking”

3. I was just joking.

2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.

1. She looks angry, abort!

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different

I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.

I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.

My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.