ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
You Might Also Like
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Raisins are grape jerky.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother