Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on the 7th day]

dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

god: yeah totally harmless little dude

dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy

If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night

Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.

I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.

Dear Olive Garden,

They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.

you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer

accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar

this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane

“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”

Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.

Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week

*Dog begging for chocolate bar*

“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”

*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

“My name is Robert and I support apples.”

— Bob for apples

How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?

A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.

I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.

Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials

While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.

Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.

17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

6YO: Daddy you’re so talented

Me: Awww Thank Y..

6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing

Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.

I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”

Green Day, the band was Green Day.

Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.

Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.

*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*

“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”

My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…

an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube

You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.