Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*

[NASA job interview]

Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!

Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.

Interviewer: Get out.

Me: I’m going for a walk

Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?

Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk

I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET

HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.

1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED

The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.

I get distracted pretty eas

Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit

Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one

Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.

Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.

Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food

My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.

So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?

I think this might be relevant today.

brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]

Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.

My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:

“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”

Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge

Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour

Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you

Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell

Police:

“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?

😂😂

I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.

[in the world of chess]

kings: here’s a sword

bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight

Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.

nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works

Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.

EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*

BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*

Do furries go to doctors or vets?

My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.