Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
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Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
How dramatic are you?
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that