@MomOnFire

Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.

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@dafloydsta

GOOD COP: Tell us what you know

BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat

DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT

@LittleMissAngr1

Kids are great because they will point out your gray hair and then ask you what’s for dinner.

@TrophyWifeDayna

What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?

@dreamthievin

People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?

@iamburtjarvis

her: what r u doing?

me: taking a photo of a glass of tap water on snapchat & see if they have-

her: oh god

me:-a water filter.

@MariyaAlexander

Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.

@ShortSleeveSuit

REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:

Thorothy

Captain Caillou

Aunt Man

Backfat

Iron Jan

Thanus

@RadWizzy

My octopus can beat up your octopus.

*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*

“Lets do this.”

@lyleisland

the existence of loudon wainwright implies the existence of quietoff waxwrong

@TaleSagaLore

Coolest jobs:
1)Beer maker
2)Secretary of War
3)Ninja
4)Guy who pushes scared skydivers