Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
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[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.