maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
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they need to invent a dishwasher with a window on it. i have to know what goes on in there
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Artwork by Herta Burbe
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names