“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
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The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.
He has a belt in partial arts
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.