Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
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I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles