Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]

Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh

I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.

So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.

There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.

The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.

Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone

“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”

-me, trying to put a crib together

If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.

me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom

dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom

Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.

Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.

Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.

My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.

Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?

Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…

8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”

A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.

I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub

I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway

Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much

Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here

Forty is the new thirty!

At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.

Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.

Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.

Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe

Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent

[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”

[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲

I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars

So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.

How’s your day

flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?

dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you

me: not now, dad

dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?

me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn

dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps