Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field

Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.

Me: Go to bed

5-year-old: One more question

Me: Fine

5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?

Me

5:

Me: Get some coffee

Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.

*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”

*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”

Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.

From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,

Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*

if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there

Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy

Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.

When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city

they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.

I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese

[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]

[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]

me: do ya wanna…?

uber driver: no

Me: I’d like one wet wipe please

Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10

I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else

If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.

Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.

Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.

First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.

I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.

Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.

Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.

You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.

8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂

Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself

Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.