Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
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If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.[9 Moscow Mules later]
Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”