Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With the year coming to a close, please remember to send all apologies and confessions of love to my email before January. I will be refreshing my inbox every 30 minutes. Thank you.

5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?

Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?

5:

Me:

5: I’ll borrow another dollar.

Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.

Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago

Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?

Me: …in the basement?

[Grocery Store]

Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?

Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.

I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.

we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now

Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’

Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’

My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift

I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…

Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.

Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.

Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”

Stan: “Hey there.”

Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.

Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.

Sister: “Family shot time”

Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”

Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”

Me: oh

For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”

Nine: There’s safety in numbers

Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*

Everyone has something they believe in.

I believe in drinking before noon.

I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.

The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.

The three things Im grateful for:

1. Family

2. Friends

3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.

I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.

Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down

FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”

Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”

FBI: “K like not anything anything”

*eats a crab apple*

*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*

Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.

[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂

[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.