Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
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every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”