Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
You Might Also Like
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.