Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
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Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
an airline just for babies.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.