Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
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[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Previously On Persistence 😎
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
I would like you to meet my significant other. Her name is Cheese.
Cardio Made Easy
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard