Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
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“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Need tips on making something look like an accident.