Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
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[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
I think my mom just blocked me
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
May never get over this
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.