Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
You Might Also Like
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.
It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.