Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
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Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?