Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
You Might Also Like
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Eating for two.